What do you do when you’re in love with an idea?

“An idea. Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain, it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood. That sticks, right in there somewhere.” -Quote from the film Inception.

The heart is a very tragic thing. It beats, it keeps you alive, but yet, in a half a second, it also can tear you apart. The constant battle between the brain and the heart exists on a second-to-second basis. The brain yells “What the heck is wrong with you? Can’t you be logical?” and the heart responds with “I know what I feel and I feel it deeply. No logic needed.”

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They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. 3 weeks to get over something; to change your mentality and mindset. I disagree wholeheartedly. Everyone is different, of course, and everyone deals with things in diverse ways. For instance, when it comes to loss and grief, they say it can take up to 1 year for things to feel “okay” again. Maybe for the normal population. For me? I lost my dog almost 4 years ago and I’m still grieving. Perhaps it’s more about emotion than it is about habit. Everyone has a different amount willpower to keep going. The feeling I have when I wake up in the morning is certainly not the same as yours. So then, how long does it take to truly feel better from loss or from an idea that has stuck with you and won’t leave?

My mind gets hooked on ideas very quickly. My heart tags along even quicker. That’s probably why I’m so good at making new friends and keeping them. I am quick to respond, quick to become emotional, quick to create ties with people. Maybe I’m a romantic, but I “love” love. I am a flower that blooms so quickly, but can die if not watered.

When my mind is stuck on something, I ruminate. Then my brain sends a message to my heart, telling me to ditch the idea, to ditch the concept that is false, but my heart doesn’t listen. It never does, really. The minute someone enters my life, I feel so deeply that I want them to stay and I’ll do anything to keep them there. When they leave for whatever reason, an idea plants into the forest of my brain and shoots down to my heart, who then expresses a sense of self-hate, self-blame and a lack of self-worth. So, how do you get rid of an idea that won’t go away? How do you tell your heart that you can’t blame yourself for the things that have happened? How can you get rid of those feelings that lie so deeply planted into your system?

The quick answer: you don’t.

The better answer: time heals all wounds — but to be frank, I hate this response. I hate when someone tells me to be patient. I am not a patient person. My heart hurts and I want it to stop hurting NOW. But, as the quick answer suggests, there is no quick fix, and time is, indeed, the right thing to wait for.

In the meantime, though, to stop the ideas from ruminating, you can try to retrain your neurons. Every time that idea pops into your mind, prevent the brain from sending it to your heart. Tell yourself that you are positive, that you are worthy, that you are beautiful, that you are not to blame for the things that have gone awry. Think of one positive thing. Just like in Inception, when you plant an idea into someone’s head, that’s all they’ll think about. But the opposite is also true. Plant a different idea. Plant a positive idea every time that same, negative, sad idea pops up. Keep thinking about something good and maybe that will suffice.

But, does it always work? Absolutely not. There are days that I try to convince myself to change my mindset, to question my thoughts. Often times I just end up crying because it is so overwhelming and takes a lot of energy to try to challenge yourself. But I cry, and then I get up again, and then I challenge those ideas. Why? Because it beats forfeiting my right to control my thoughts and becoming depressed.

The brain and the heart have a connection that I’ll never understand. I’ll never get why logic and emotion cannot be paired together and fight the good fight. The brain is always right. If you keep planting those positive ideas, maybe your neural networks will fortify, and maybe then your heart won’t feel so hurt. Strengthening connections will help to change your mindset.

In the end, there is no right or wrong answer. We end up doing what our heart tells us and then we get knocked down. But, in that same end, our brain saves the day by helping us get back on our feet; to remind ourselves that we have more control over our thoughts than we think we do; that an idea is just that…an idea. Water that idea, or don’t…it’s your choice, but only if you have enough strength and willpower to challenge yourself.


Is your road not paved with success?

They always say that the road to success is paved with ‘good intentions.’ (Replace “success” with “hell” and you get a proverb that has been adapted into many pop songs). But, first off, who are ‘they?’ And, second, everyone is different so this one sentence may not apply to all.

Not everyone copes the same way. In fact, I don’t know one person in my life who deals with life situations the same way I do. We are all different; we deal with our lives in diverse ways. So, with that said, no one person has the same perception of success as another.

I hate it when someone says you “have” to be in a certain place by a certain time. I hate it when I’m told or I’m forced into something I don’t want to do. For example, “you should be done your University degree by the time you’re this age,” or “you should have kids before you’re 30,” or “you should be settled with a boyfriend and aim to be married by this time.” This becomes very problematic for me when I’m told what to do by a certain time frame. I am my own person – I make my own decisions. My road is my own. I struggle, I make mistakes, I fix them, I get back up again. We should really take “should” and “have to be” out of our vocabulary, because the odds are that most individuals will not “be” in the same time frame as the norm (if there even is a norm for these things anymore).

Success, then, means more than getting things done by a certain time. I strongly believe that living a successful life involves falling down and getting back up again. Success, then, to me, means resilience: if you are challenged and faced with negativity, and you still pursue it, then you are stronger than you think you are. Success doesn’t just mean earning a diploma and having a relationship with someone. Success could be as small as waking up in the morning and actually getting up, or smiling at yourself for something you did. Sometimes success means just “being”: maybe there is no end goal, maybe you are successful just for going about your daily business. Therefore, my argument is, there is no one “true” definition of success, and there is no time frame for when it needs to be accomplished.

Here is a perfect example of my road. It was a bumpy ride so far, and I’m still on this roller coaster and pushing through.

5 years ago, I applied to University for the first time. I started at Concordia in Honours Psychology in Fall 2012, and then I ended up at McGill in Winter 2013 with a double major in English Literature and Psychology instead, and I’ve been there ever since, which has brought me to a Master’s degree. It’s really funny how things don’t always work out as planned. I went off the beaten path and changed my road more than a few times. I guess they call them “bumps in the road” for a reason.

So, does success only come when you get things done? Or does success change over time, for different people? In my opinion, no two successful people are the same. I am a strong believer in Fate, and I do think that even if you aren’t in the “best” place on your road, that you are still successful in another area of your life. My path is a zig-zag, and sometimes the ghosts from Pac-Man follow me and bring me down; but just like Pac-Man, I regenerate, and I get more chances. I’m not saying I’m a cat with nine lives, but hey, you always have a new chance and a new choice.

Success doesn’t mean you need to follow your road, from start to finish. Follow your goals, if that is what you wish, but if you start to veer toward a fork in the road, maybe it’s time to follow that path as well. Things change, YOU change. Let yourself go with the flow, as hard as it is.

In the end, though, there IS no *true* end. There are always other routes, other options, and new beginnings. So, do not feel discouraged if you do not feel that you are in the right place right now, whether it is for school, your career, your personal or social life, or anything else. Sometimes you need to learn and experience where you are in the present before you can change your route. Even if you have future goals or a new destination in mind, the path you are on will pave the way; maybe the path isn’t as clear or as straight as you want it to be, but there are always forks in the road that will become lucid over time. As I always say, a little bit of realism and a tiny bit of optimism with your coffee or tea in the morning can make a difference. You are where you are for a reason.

(In)Capability, a poem

Capability. An ability to do things for yourself. To be alone in it all. Surrounded by no one except the comfort of your own soul.

I wish I were a doctor, a heart surgeon, so that I could repair my own incapable heart.

In the end, the wound will heal and no one person, not even me, can fix it.

Time. Patience. All things that aggravate me and cause me uncertainty…these are the things that will save me in due time.

It’s funny how the things we hate more than anything will ultimately help us most.

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The Psychological Implications of the Facebook Like Button

“The Psychological Implications of the Facebook Like Button”
 A research paper by Emily Maye Sweer

In the sphere of modern day social media, we gather to collectively ‘like,’ ‘tweet,’ ‘snap’ and ‘post’ things that we can all relate to. While this collective coming-together of people from around the world suggests that there is a sense of solidarity online, there are also negative connotations involved that can affect one’s mental health in a plethora of ways. Rarely do we think about the psychological implications that a simple Facebook like button can have on us. Needless to say that with more than one billion active users, Facebook is dominating in the realm of social media, but dominating ‘what’ is the question. We tend to accept these norms as they are: you like my status, I like your status, and the cycle continues. In this paper, I aim to explore the Facebook like button in detail and integrate class readings and external sources to get a better picture of what something so small as a ‘thumbs up’ might do to our brains. I will pay particular attention to the articles by Sarah Banet-Weiser, Eric Shouse, Sarah Gram and Danah Boyd, as they piece together the roles of self-branding, visibility, affect, the selfie and networked publics. My argument is clear: while a simple ‘like’ on your post can give you some positive reinforcement, it is a short-term ego boost that goes away and can never fully validate your self-worth in the long-term.

In a recent post by CEO and co-founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg explains that “the Like button has been a part of Facebook for a long time. Billions of Likes are made every day, and Liking things is a simple way to express yourself” (Zuckerberg, Facebook post on October 8, 2015). With apologies to Mr. Zuckerberg, the implications of the like button seem to go beyond just a mode of expression. In addition, it is interesting how he capitalized the word ‘like’ in his sentences, as if ‘liking’ something on Facebook has a deeper and more dominant, hegemonic meaning. Notably, in one of the few peer-reviewed articles that I discovered online, Eranti and Lonkila state that there are three components to the like button: it is an object, it has an economic goal and a political aim (Eranti & Lonkila 2015). Immediately after reading this article, I thought about Sarah Banet-Weiser’s text “Branding the Post-Feminist Self” in which she writes that “the empowered consumer . . . is also a producer” thereby helping to make companies more profitable (Banet-Weiser 67). The like button as an object has a neutral aim: you click like and that’s it. Whereas, the like button as both an economic and political concept have a hidden motive; the companies want you to like their posts so that they can gain visibility and create an online reputation. Visibility, according to Danah Boyd, is one of the four accordances of social media, along with persistence, spreadability and searchability (Boyd 11). Building off of this, Banet-Weiser would suggest that the quantity of hits or likes does not mean one has more gained social value, it means one has become more visible and this, in itself, contributes to one’s self-branding (Banet-Weiser 68). While I think Banet-Weiser’s argument for visibility is a plausible one, the like button does more than make people visible online. In addition, the question of social value is an important one: does having more likes make us more ‘valuable’ as online participants? Visibility may be an important strategy for political and economic aims, but the real question lies with the reasoning behind why we post or like certain statuses above others. Here lies the psychology of the problem: why do we crave ‘likes’?

Consider the following scenario: you just took a selfie and you like the way you look, so you post it to Facebook. A few hours later, you receive approximately one hundred likes from your Facebook friends. You would probably feel ‘happy’ that so many people saw and liked your photo, thereby making you more visible, but also more ‘liked,’ right? This seems partially true. Nevertheless, while you may have achieved more visibility due to the number of likes, this contributes to a false sense of happiness, and arguably, a short-term one at that. Psychologists would explain that this ties in to our need to engage with and to seek out external gratification and validation. Walter Mischel, a famous developmental psychologist, and his colleagues, explain that delaying “immediate satisfaction for the sake of future consequences has long been considered an essential achievement of human development” (Mischel et al 978). I argue that this largely contributes to the fundamental flaw in the psychology of the Facebook like button. We live in an era where we want everything ‘now’: alcohol, sex, fun, happiness, etc. We want to be validated by others and we want it immediately, impulsively, thereby increasing our ‘need’ for external gratification and limiting our potential to delay gratification or simply to not seek it at all.

Arguably, our need for validation and gratification is a socially created concept that is not just present on social media, but also in real life. Danah Boyd, in her “Introduction” to It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens, contends that humans have not changed as much as we think we have, even in our online bubble. She eloquently clarifies, “networked publics are publics that are restructured by networked technologies. As such, they are simultaneously the space constructed through networked technologies and the imagined collective that emerges as a result of the intersection of people, technology and practice” (Boyd 8). In this manner, Boyd would affirm that our need for validation probably started in our real life group dynamics and is now transferable online. This necessity for gratification, then, is a cycle that began in social circles, in-person throughout the ages, and over time, as social media became more accessible and participatory, the same structures from real life transferred over to social media. Let us explore an example of a high school clique system: the jocks, the nerds, the music geeks, the popular girls, the drama club, etc. In high school, students learn to associate their identities with the group(s) they fit into versus the groups they are not a part of. Therefore, students compare themselves to other students within different groups. This is an in-group/out-group strategy that stems from social identity theory; we associate with the people and things that are relevant to us and we compare these values to the ideals of other groups (Tajfel 77-81). While this is a simple, generalized example (that, of course, may not be true for everyone in high school), it shows that our brain has categorical processes in real life, and this translates into our online lives as well. Boyd would assert that our social comparisons to others remain the same online; just as the high school becomes a space for networked publics, social media becomes a new version of these networked publics. The like button, then, becomes a way for individuals to connect, but it has this comparative structure to it, just like we compare ourselves to others in real life. My argument here is that the networked public system on Facebook, especially, is amplified in a way that toys with our emotions and affect. Boyd would likely disagree and state that there is no difference for our online experience, but I maintain that the like button brings about a certain intensity that may not be identical to what happens in our daily lives.

This ties into the next section of this paper: how do our emotions play into the cycle of the like button? So far, I have discussed that the like button is a positively reinforcing object and contributes to our need for instant gratification and to our categorical comparisons of one another. Now, I will consider how the like button fits in to Eric Shouse’s definition of affect. Shouse defines affect as “a non-conscious experience of intensity . . . that cannot be fully realized in language” (Shouse 1). Think of it this way: when you receive a like on your post, you get a certain sensation that cannot be described in words, and this varies in intensity for different people. For example, in my experience, when I receive a like, I feel as if someone has seen, accepted and validated my post and has acknowledged me as a person and as a participant of social media. As an already sensitive person, I might feel more of an intense reaction if I do not get enough likes or if I see that someone else has posted something and has received more likes than me. Logically, these thoughts are maladaptive and contribute to a thought-process known as rumination. In a McGill psychology lecture by Professor Melanie Dirks, she illustrates that “rumination is the tendency to dwell on problems and not solve them, thus linking rumination and dwelling to a negative mood” (Dirks, Depression Lecture, November 11, 2015). Thus, the like button carries with it a positive connotation, but also a capacity to provoke sadness, depressed mood or a subjective intensity within affect. It would be advantageous if future studies built off of this notion of anxiety and depression as linked with the Facebook like button, for no studies have been provided to date.

Let us now explore the gender relations with regard to posting selfies. Sarah Gram, author of “The Young-Girl and the Selfie,” suggests that there is a cycle of disgust when it comes to women and selfies (Gram 3-4). From a feminist perspective, this is very telling. Since women are often viewed by men as objects in real life, both genders internalize this mentality, and thus women post more pictures that focus in on the physical aspects over anything else, which in turn promotes this cycle of attention-seeking behavior, and can be misinterpreted as sexual objectification. Thus, liking a selfie based on a woman’s level of attractiveness reinforces this cycle of disgust. Therefore, while we can see the positives of liking a nice picture, the role of the like button also contributes to a woman’s self-worth and this cycle plays out over and over again. I also question the fact that most men on Facebook do not post selfies, and if they do, it is rare. Does this mean that women have a need to feel more validated than men on social media? And, if this is true, then we need to start thinking about breaking down these gender norms.

While the concepts of validation and self-worth are incredibly important when it comes to the like button, we cannot rule out the notion of popularity. It is known, and has been known, that attractiveness and allure rule above all else. When it comes to celebrities, it is not just about power and status; it comes down to beauty and normative standards that all individuals seem to internalize. Beauty norms, therefore, do not fall on a spectrum; there is one standard and one alone. These norms, especially for women, can be incredibly problematic. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, a person’s level of attractiveness is based on what they know to be true and what a person has internalized as reality. For the like button, then, there is this explicit notion that a more attractive person that fits these beauty standards will get a greater amount of likes. Boyd, once again, would jump in and state that these beauty standards are apparent in real life too. However, I contend that in real life, our approval is implicit, whereas the like button is an explicit way to approve of these beauty standards. It is like we have become a herd of sheep following a shepherd and not questioning where he is taking us. The like button, arguably, has contributed to a popularity contest on Facebook. This is the problem: we accept what is and we do not think critically about why we privilege certain people or things above others. How can there be any progress if we do not think about these things?

Today, Facebook offers more than just a like button; there is a ‘love’ button, a ‘wow’ button, a ‘ha-ha’ button, a ‘sad’ button and an ‘angry’ button. If there is one thing I can thank Facebook for, it is that they did not include a ‘dislike’ button; I would be incredibly concerned for the negative psychological impact it would have on individuals. Zuckerberg articulates this well: “For many years though, people have asked us to add a “dislike” button. Not every moment is a good moment, and sometimes you just want a way to express empathy. . . . [This was] the best way to give you better options for expressing yourself, while keeping the experience simple and respectful” (Zuckerberg, Facebook post on October 8, 2015). While I still believe that the Facebook like button is more than just a ‘simple’ method of expression, I commend Zuckerberg for not including the dislike button, as it could have become dangerous and harmful for many.

In this paper, I have argued that the like button can have significant effects on the brain and that it contributes to a harmful cycle of the ego, in which people feel compelled to both search for likes and like other people’s posts. While visibility, popularity and self-branding play a role in getting more ‘likes,’ it seems likely that there are other psychological processes at hand that contribute to our need for external gratification and internal validation. I argue that validation is what we seek most (in real life and online) and that through the like button, we can achieve a short-term ego boost, which never settles into the long-term and can never truly fix this necessity for approval or reassurance; in other words, you are always left wanting more because you have not been fulfilled. It might be human nature to want to connect with people, but online, it is about more than just connecting: it is about receiving positive reinforcement. We want people to agree with us and to validate us as participatory individuals in the social media sphere. On Facebook, in particular, as I have explained, the like button has more to do with generating a false sense of self-worth than anything else. Some readers will probably laugh and scoff at my analysis of the like button; perhaps they will say that I am over-analyzing an artifact that means ‘nothing’ in the grand scheme of things. Well, to these readers, I would say that most of us probably do not even know that we are caught in this cycle of fabricated self-worth. Of course, it is very possible that some individuals do not care about it or do not use the like button at all; perhaps some people feel that the like button is just about showing support and nothing more; and, maybe others choose to comment instead of ‘like’ a post. In this regard, we have to keep in mind that not everyone will feel the same way about the like button, and most will not think twice about pressing it. Nevertheless, I feel as if more research needs to be done, especially linking mood, anxiety and depression with the like button. In any case, I will offer you some advice. The next time that you post a selfie or a photo of yourself, get off Facebook immediately. Choose to spend a few hours not thinking about who will like your photo or how many likes you may get. Go back online later knowing that you made the choice to accept yourself as you are, and that you do not need immediate ‘likes.’ Ultimately, we need to focus more on our own internal validation rather than seek out gratification from individuals in our ‘friend’ group. This, kind reader, is what I would like for you to take away from this paper.

Works Cited

Banet-Weiser, Sarah. “Branding the Postfeminist Self: the Labor of Femininity.” Authentic: The Politics of Ambivalence in a Brand Culture. New York: NYU Press, 2012. 51-89. Print.

Boyd, Danah. “Introduction.” It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens. Yale University Press, 2014

Dirks, Melanie. “Rumination: Lecture on Depression.” November 11, 2015.

Eranti, Veikko and Markku Lonkila. “The Social Significance of the Facebook Like Button.” First Monday, Volume 20, Number 6. June 1, 2015.

Gram, Sarah. “The Young-Girl and the Selfie.” Web blog post. Textual Relations. Blogger. March 1, 2013. Web. Accessed November 19, 2016.

Peake, Philip K., Yuichi Shoda and Walter Mischel. “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies From Preschool Delay of Gratification: Identifying Diagnostic Conditions.” Developmental Psychology. Vol. 26, No. 6, 1990, pp. 978-986.

Shouse, Eric. “Feeling, Emotion, Affect.” M/C Journal. Volume 8, Number 6, December 2015.

Tajfel, H. (1979). Social Identity Theory. In D. M. Taylor and F. M. Moghaddam (2nd Ed.), Theories of Intergroup Relations: International Social Psychological Perspectives (pp. 77-81). Connecticut, United States: Praeger.

Zuckerberg, Mark. “A Test of Reactions.” Facebook. October 8, 2015. Accessed November 19, 2016.

Personal Research on the Subject:

I received feedback from 10 people with regard to their thoughts on the like button. Below, you will find the top themes and top coded words that came through in their messages.

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Down in the Dark, a poem

I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and took out my heart.

Internally, I feel weak.

Externally, I feel like the wind, being transported from one emotion to the next, unstoppably.

My eyes water every few seconds, and then my heart crumbles, and rebirths anew again.

Tearing up has become my forte; my strong suit. Crying, wholeheartedly, halfheartedly, and anywhere in between, is my life.

The last few days took everything from me.

My hope, my optimism, my love for all things good, they are all lying on the pavement outside my home, destructed, but somehow indestructible.

I am a paradox. Hoping for the best, but secretly realizing the worst. The worst has come. It has not gone.

I worry that my body will fall into a deep slumber, a depression that I cannot be awoken from.

I was given something wonderful and then life stole it away from me.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay again, if I’ll ever find that feeling once more.

I am a bird with no wings, a singer with no tune, a dancer with no legs.

Hope has left the building and I do not know when it will return.

All that remains is a false sense of wellbeing, a false sense of hope that must be murdered if I want to survive.

Make Yourself A Priority

Priority (noun): [definition provided by Google]

  • a person, a thing, a fact or a condition that is regarded or treated as more important than another.
  • the right to take precedence or to proceed before others.

What does priority mean to you? If you’re anything like Google, you’ll think that prioritizing something is making that something more important or more significant than another thing in your life.

For example, if we think back to math class in high school, here’s an equation:

2 > 1
Me > You

Do you see anything significant here? This analogy shows that the “greater than” sign is a signifier for ‘priorities’ in our daily lives.

Take another example: I have school work to do this weekend but I’m focusing on the assignment that is worth more to my overall grade than anything else. What am I doing? Prioritizing.

We prioritize all day, every day. If there’s an apple and an orange on your kitchen table, and you pick up the apple. What did you do? You prioritized the apple over the orange. The apple became your number 1 preference.

Now, you might be thinking, “What does this have to do with anything? So what? I prioritize things in my life. What’s the point?” Good question, kind reader. The point of this blog post is not to point out the obvious. It’s to point out what we are doing WRONG.

My friends, as you go through your day, do you ever stop and think “what should I do to make myself smile today?” or “what can I do to give myself support today?” We are so flooded with the urge to help others and to make others feel good, that we tend to forget about ourselves. YOU, fellow reader, are a priority. You are your own priority. This is something we need to fix.

So, I’ll make this short and sweet. The next time you think about all of the crazy things you have to do during your week (whether that is school work, work in general, family life, friendship links, etc.) I suggest you stop and take a few minutes to ask yourself what YOU want. Prioritize yourself. Make yourself happy.

Here are some things that I do to prioritize myself:
1) I grab a skim-milk mocha at Second Cup. Yes, I’m spending $5.00 on a coffee, but hey…I’m smiling and that’s all that matters!
2) I meet up with some friends to study. It may be a little more distracting…but there’s more dopamine flowing through my system!
3) I listen to music, new and old. Whatever gets me confident and ready for the day.

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While these three things are personal preferences, you should think about what you like to do that is easy and helpful for YOU during the week. Whether it’s something small like having a coffee with yourself at a coffee shop, or something big like splurging on a dinner out, make it your own.

Prioritizing others and things in your life is easy. What’s hard is to remember to prioritize yourself. It isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. Whatever makes you smile, do it. That’s all that counts.

Our Innate Need To Seek Out Reassurance: Aren’t There Other Ways To Feel Better?

Do you ever find yourself thinking about all of the things that are going wrong in your life? Do you ever ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” “What is causing this stress?” or “What do I have to do to get rid of this?” If you responded yes to any of these, then you are not alone. So many of us, during stressful and taxing times, tend to seek out knowledge from the outside world that “everything is going to be okay.” But…why? Why do we seek out external gratification and not look internally instead?Screen Shot 2016-10-28 at 6.25.55 PM.png

Seeking out reassurance is a human quality that promotes inclusivity and encourages closeness among people; it creates a community of relatability. We relate to each other through the sharing of our daily stories. Have you ever found yourself thinking about a little problem and wanting immediately to talk to a friend about it? As an example, “I don’t know if this guy likes me. Can you help me decode and analyze these texts for hours?” OR “I’ve been having a health problem, have you had this before? Did it go away for you? Do you think it will go away for me?” These two examples alone elucidate the need to feel reassured by the individuals in our lives; it fosters trust and closeness.

When we’re nervous, stressed, or uncomfortable with our current life situations, we seek out help and reassurance because it is the only thing we were every trained to do, from such a young age. Think back, now, to when you were a young child.

“Look both ways and hold my hand before crossing the street.”
“If something goes wrong, tell an adult.”
“If you get hurt, get help.”
“You can lean on your family for everything and anything.”

Were any of these ever said to you back in the day? The odds are high. While it is clear that the environment plays a strong role in our innate need for seeking out reassurance, we shouldn’t rule out the genetic component; perhaps some individuals struggle with this more than others, from a biological standpoint. Those who have a predisposition for a mental health disorder, such as Anxiety, OCRDs (Obsessive-Compulsive Related Disorders), Depression, and the like, tend to seek out reassurance more than the average bear. This is fact. This is natural.

When I was young, I somehow cognitively trained myself to always look for answers from my mother. There’s a problem? Mom can fix it. I can’t do something on my own? Mom can fix it. This, in itself, promoted an unstable thought-process that led into adulthood. I felt incapable and dependent for so long because of this constant need to seek out reassurance. Only recently, in the last few years, have I started to challenge these thoughts: “Emily, stop looking outside of yourself for the answers you already know in your heart to be true.” So many people, myself included, have had trouble looking inward to find that reassurance that we so deeply crave.

My thoughts? We need to change our modes of thinking from a psychological, and a social, perspective. Believe me, it is hard – but it DOES work.

Reassuring a friend is easy, uncomplicated and straightforward: “Hey, you’re awesome. Don’t ever let yourself feel like that again. You are worth it. You are beautiful.” These are just words, though. They are easily spoken, quickly written, and clearly deliverable. What isn’t easy, though, is challenging these thoughts on your own. How do you know your worth it and that “everything will [indeed] be okay” if someone doesn’t tell you directly?

Think now: when someone compliments you or tells you that they can promise you that everything will be fine, does it even help you in the long-term? Do you feel ANY better? Maybe for a few minutes, a few hours, a day or so. It is like putting a bandaid on a wound that won’t heal without your own self-care.

So, how do we ameliorate our thought-processes in order to securely say that we can reassure ourselves all on our own?

Your thoughts may look like this image of a sky that doesn’t know whether to be sunny or stormy. These conflicting thoughts then strive to be “fixed,” and so we do the only thing we know how to do…seek out reassurance from our friends, family, and sometimes, even strangers. Yes, it’s been done.

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The dual sky: negative vs. positive energy.

Instead, admire the beauty in the sky that is your “thoughts.” You are who you are; your thoughts are going to flow the way they want to flow, but you CAN challenge them. Accept the fact that you may not have control over your external life conditions…and, with that, accept that you CAN achieve the reassurance you need by looking inwards. Like the image below, your thoughts become colorful, stimulated by the various positive and negative processes in your mind.

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The colorful sky of thoughts

I do not deny that sometimes it is helpful, under extreme circumstances (illness, death, etc.) to get reassurance from others. In our regular, habitual, daily life, however, we need to be aware of our own thoughts and examine the possibility of working through them on our own. A good psychologist will not simply give you the answers you want to hear; they will challenge your thoughts and teach you strategies to fulfill this thought-journey on your own.

So, instead of asking your friend to reassure you that the guy does like you, and instead of waiting for the right answers from your mom, try to seek them out on your own. Stop dwelling on the past. Stop worrying about the future Start challenging yourself to recognize your own capability NOW, in the present. You ARE capable, but only YOU know the truth, deep down in the cognitively-beautiful depths of your brain. No matter how much I, or anyone else, tell you how worthy you are, or reassure you and positively reinforce the ego, it won’t make a difference unless you believe it.

So, this is the challenge, ultimately: either we keep going down the road of insecurity and negativity, promoting self-doubt and seeking out external resources for aid OR we can challenge our thoughts and seek out reassurance from within. Choose the latter. And, then, all of those other compliments and external gratifications that you receive will just be a plus and a nice addition.

You, alone, have the power to reassure yourself. Believe it, and it will be enough.